4.11.2011

Moving Along.....

My trip from Abilene to Houston was pretty restless.  I was in Houston already in mind, but still straggling along behind in Abilene.  I made friends there.  I lost friends there.  I was elevated in some areas of my light and torn down in others.  It was the closing of the chapter, and unfortunately, I feel like some of those characters will choose not to appear anywhere further down the story.  As they choose, I suppose.

But the journey to Houston was not without event.  I started GeoCaching again, so I've had some quiet time to myself.  It's fun with the kids join and it's a family affair....but other times, it's just you and a message in a bottle, so to speak.  I've got a travel tag I need to drop.

Change is inevitable.  Change is good.  Sometimes it hits us on so many levels, it's hard to process.  I realize that through all this, the infighting and the tragedy of  recent, that there is much of me that has become a changed person.  Maybe good, maybe bad, but changed nonetheless.  I did not so much come to conclusions about other people and their behaviors, but my own, my own thoughts and responses.  What I would endure and what was beyond my enduring.  It was both disheartening and inspiring at the same time.

I will swear that before my sister declared she was going on Hospice and before my brother died, the three days leading to the event, I was not the normal laid-back person I have a tendency to be.  I was psychotic, easily wounded, and lashing out over imagined slights.  I really think that I had an emotional meltdown.  The first one was on the first friend I made when I came to Abilene.  The whole response to that event was basically, "You're horrible.  Grow up.  Get a life.  Shame on you. WE are behaving like civilized adults, you're just too stupid and petty to do that.  So get over yourself.  Our opinions are educated and perfect."  That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

What they didn't realize was that within a few days of not talking, all that emotional tornado, my father calls me and lets me know my sister is going on house hospice.

The second event, which is about a month, almost 2 from it, is that in a horrible accident, my father had to shoot my schizophrenic brother during a violent episode.  I won't go into too much of that here, save that it was self defense.  However, days before, I'd been thinking about my brother.  I had a blowout with my live-in best friend, so instead of being ugly, I went to my room.  Three days later, as I am actually making something for my brother (carebear pillow cases...he loved care bears....), he is shot, the wound so bad that it was fatal to him.  It was bizarre because I brought the pillow cases, having just finished them, with me up to the ER.

SO.......I can admit that I acted an ass.  I don't care how logical a person is, I would tell them I don't believe in coincidence. So if I acted badly, I'd apologize for some of it.  Some.

But....I had an epiphany over the whole ordeal.  My thought was this.....as a person acting out of character, especially someone who's supposed to be a beloved friend, like family, how do you just thumb your nose at their behavior and roll on?  Generally, when shit is weird and going on with a friend, I try to find out what's going on so I can be there for my friend.  I figure that's what the best of friends do.  Why suddenly was I booted because I did not behave in a way that was endearing 24-7.

It makes me think of a wise redhead.  "If you can't take me at my/ worst, you don't deserve me at my best."  I think I'll take that route.

And onto the new life in Houston.
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