7.05.2011

Out of my mind.....Will I return? I guess I can keep you posted.

Yeah, I haven't been posting.  But that's all right, my blog always seriously lacked consistancy in posting.
I've just gone through a lot of hell in the past few months.  Don't take it personal.

It's funny, because I believe in divinity, I believe in what logical people refer to as 'meaningful coincidence'.  Which is to say that they believe something happens 'coincidentally', and the human mind has to rationalize it to have meaning in order to accept it.

That's kind of stupid.  Doesn't something have to MEAN something to understand it?

In any case, those who believe in a higher power, be it God, or Divine Providence, or what have you, generally believe things happen for a reason beyond what we may be able to see or comprehend at the time.

Me?  Yup, I am a believer.  I've had too many experiences NOT to believe in something working beyond my understanding. 

Anyway, today I went to go fill some perscriptions because I saw the doc.  I told him I wanted to be taken off of the medication he put me on, because I did not like the way it was emotionally numbing.  So after I pick up the prescription, I realize that I didn't get 2-30 day bottles.  I got 3-30 day bottles of one kind, another lesser dose 30 day bottle, and one 30 day bottle of the second he has me on.

Okay, maybe the universe is telling me to stay on the meds.

But the thing of it is that I know that it has radically altered my personality.  And my intuition.  I can't describe it too much here, but the people that know me, some of them worry.  And the ones that don't, I suppose maybe to them, I was kind of weird anyway.

Problem is that beyond the medication, and even with it, I just have this overwhelming feeling of being lost.  This is kind of taking it's toll on my boss at the moment, because frankly, I forget a LOT of things.  I don't think it's sleep deprivation anymore.  That was kind of fixed with one of the scripts.  And my lack of memory went on before everything went down.  But right now, I'm a total scatterbrain all the time.  And I can't seem to begin to pull myself back together.  I gather one pile of rags, and then I've dropped another pile somewhere else.  And that's all I am.  A pile of rags, split at the seams, just kind of muddling along.  I can't seem to talk about anything that's happened.  It takes a great amount of self-control and effort for words to come out, when they come out at all.  The meds have helped some, but it is still choking.

And in the effort to try an wean me off these meds, I only took half today.  Which made me effectively a basket case.  Maybe I wasn't ready.  Maybe I've just pushed myself too long too hard.  Makes me think of the link, love.  "Never not broken."  I've always felt that way.  Never not broken.  But somehow, in the pile of shatters, I'd like to be in peace, even in pieces.

I have no idea where I would be without my husband at this time.  It's amazing.  I got to fall in love all over again.  Twice.  This year.  With him.  How many people get to say that?  How many people get to say that at all?  How many people ever fall in love and have that love totally reciprocated?  I am amazingly blessed and fortunate.  A lot of bad shit has happened this year, and where my friends could find no perch in my insanity or awkwardness, my husband sheltered me.  Where people I called my friends looked at my meltdown in disgust at my lack of self-control, my husband still stood patiently, waiting for me to run myself out like a wounded deer, then gathered me up and carried me.  And even in my most vulnerable places, where some stood like vultures before me, even when only the thoughts of him could strengthen me as we stay this time apart, stregthen me they did.  He is an amazing man.

Even in this new job....the same type of job I had before, I realize now that I just really don't care.  Maybe it IS just me that is the problem.  And you know what they say...

...if you don't like where you are, it's time to move on.

I think I will like where I'm living.  I think it's time to do something different for a living.  Because I work to live, I don't live to work.

So if you read this, think of me.  Light a candle of hope.  If you have anger at me, let my pain quiet your anger.  Because surely, I suffer.  Right now it would just be nice to have a little peace and quiet.  Even in pieces.
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