The Time Lord Door

So of recent, I've been on a Dr. Who kick.

I don't care too much for Sci-Fi, but really, I kind of enjoy the modern incarnation of Dr. Who.  My father has a passion for Sci-Fi, as do many of my other family members and friends.  But...all the technobabble and such really is kind of a turn-off for me.

I particularly like David Tennant.  For the short-lived incarnation before, and the 11th Doctor (who..well, I just got into that season on Netflix, so we will see), I think that Mr. Tennant brings a beautiful element of compassion to the playful eccentric attitude in which he plays the good doctor.  So...in tribute to that thought, I decided to make the outside facing back door of my shop disguised like that loveable blue police call box.

Firstly, my sister was quite the artist.  She got a degree in art, and I think for all intents and purposes, I felt overshadowed by her talent.  It took me quite some time to realize that regardless of how wonderful her art is, that in my own form and fashion, I too am an artist.  So I gave up on perfection or out-doing my big sis, and just kind of started doing my own creative thing.  Perhaps most people don't recognize me as an artist - I don't care.  I mainly just claim to being creative and witty, both of which pay poorly, but are more fun at gatherings.

The blue door has more meanings though, too.  It is fitting that it is the Tardis.  A time machine.  The blue in and of itself reminds me of happy moments.  One in particular (and kids, this is AFTER I started the project...here I am, gently caressing the door with my brush, trying to invoke a specific color...and with it, certain memories come rushing back) of taking portraits in front of a blue door.  Others from school.  Happy moments, which have drifted off into time, letting me gaze back in the wake, sometimes wistful.

But it is art, and it will move forward. And we will see what comes of it.

The Call of the Anonymous

If our culture was more focused on the arts and education, and the idea of compassion and civil action, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so far out of hand.  In a time where capitalism is priority and people are left to scrounge, there has been a long season of discontent.

About every few hundred years, it seems that governments have some sort of revolution.  In an age of 'civility' and so many interesting and quick ways to kill someone, the majority is kept 'in check' through fear and threat of death.  But in even a half-educated society, people are really kind of starting to get pissed off.

I find it amusing and strange, seeing these pictures flash across the internet - the satirical mask of a would-be conspirator, the image of a movie about revolution and change.  And yet, the reality of the matter is, that if the movement is truly as large and wide-ranging as it appears to be through the murkier parts of the internet, the prospects are frightening.

I really believe that we are on the threshold of a radical and profound change.  I know that I am an idealist - I get that a lot, but I believe the way we think about things is changing, or it should, and too many people realize that we are careening dangerously near the cliff of self-inflicted extinction.  It's rather much closer than most people believe, than the media is allowed to report, or the governments want us to know.  It is only through knowledge, environmental awareness, and compassion for our fellow man will we be able to survive.  Because that is truly what it is becoming - not a race (he who has the most when he dies wins), but a fight for survival of the human race.  It may not be my children who deal with it, nor theirs, but in the next few generations, our environmental impact with reach a critical mass which in which the 1% will not be able to hide.  Even now, with the genetically altered corn and the fact even the most jaded media (like TIME and PEOPLE) report that beloved stars/leaders/idols of our time die of cancer (about 80%), people are starting to get a clue-by-four to the head.  The evidence?  Look around.  People are swimming in trash.  Bees are disappearing.  Trees are being ripped out and replaced by concrete.

Something's got to give.  And soon. But knowing this, knowing that something is coming...well, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I wonder how many people will answer the call by Anonymous.  I wonder who will march on Nov. 5th?

The Message from Anonymous makes sense.

September is over.

September is over, which brings forth cooler tidings and seasonal changes.  It's weird how I feel like it's been forever since I've been cold (the mornings here in Houston have been cool), but how it feels my sister and stepbrother disappeared not too long ago.

I thought that this month would be easier, being that my sister's birthday was last month, but it's not.  Not really.  I'll be 35 this month, and after April, I will have exceeded my sister's lifespan.  It's kind of a depressing thought, so frankly, I'm not really looking forward to my birthday.  I find it just easier to take it a day at time.

I have, however, decided in all these things, over the past few months, that I wanted to embrace my spirituality more fully.  A part of that came along in the decision to open the shop.  The decision stills scares the hell out of me, but it has always been something I've wanted to do.  And frankly, life's to short to wait around dreaming of things instead of doing  them.

I find myself among old friends again.  Moving forward through life is fine, but if you are moving just to move, you much resemble the card the Fool, with common sense nipping at your heels.  It's great to have new experiences and make new friends, but we are creatures of limited space and time, and we should not let our  past be forgotten.  I think that some people would say that circling back is some sort of pattern that needs to be broken.  I don't see it that way.  If we weren't meant to have cycles, there would be none.  And just because I have certain cycles, doesn't mean that others don't have different types of cycles.  The idea though is to spiral upwards, not just chase your tail.  As for my old friends....well, time and hardships can change a person, do they not? But the hope is that whatever was fundamental about them that brought you closer to them doesn't change.  That is, anyway, the hope.

The death season is upon us, and with death comes new beginnings.  I hope that they are the best to come.

breathing life into old dreams

So the husband and I have agreed to start another venture.  I'm hoping the best for this, and going to do what I can to make an old dream reality.  So many dreams I had, others took and ran with.  That's okay.  They can have those dreams.  I've changed a lot since then.  But I kept a few for myself, which is cool.

Just makes me a fabulous person - so fab that people wanna be me!  At least, really, that's the only explanation I can come up with.

I don't know, I've never really planned out things.  Life comes to me at an adventure, and I'm very fortunate in the aspect that perhaps I've seemed aimless, but I've had so many wonderful adventures.  And now we're on a venture that I'm trying to get everyone on board with.  My self-titled adventure.

One of the best lessons I ever got was from an old boss of mine while I worked in retail.  I can't remember what we were talking about, but I know it was related to the store.  He just simply spoke these words:

"You have to buy into it."

That doesn't seem like a lot, but it is.  It's a whole lot.  Because failure and success doesn't necessarily mean doing good or doing bad, it means believing in what you're doing.  If you believe, you ride out the lows, scream madly and giggle on the highs, and if it pulls to a stop, you say flush-faced and eyes sparkling, "Man....what a ride."

It's been kinda fun.  I don't really answer to anyone.  My kids are at the fun age, which is homeroom and high school - to me, that was the most fun, extra curricular stuff.  My parents had a hard time being there - right now I can.  Not saying that having a child at this age is bad, I will raise a toast to you, but I don't envy the diaper-changing and car seats.  For those that have never experienced it, or have a deep affinity for constantly being around babies, it's kind of an awesome job.  But anyone that knows me also knows that this is the time that I've been waiting for.  Being able to really watch my little birds take flight.

Volunteering as a parent isn't an easy job.  Last Friday was the first football game at my eldest's high school. Friday Night Lights.  But when you've got a kid in the band, TRUST ME, it's all about the band.

I got there about 3:30, because at home games, they say that the kids don't really have time to go home, eat, come back, warm up, and hit the field.  At least, that's how it was for this first one.  So I show up early to help fee 315 kids.

One of the moms tells me, "When you're a Band mom, you don't have a kid in the band.  The band becomes your kids.  You have 315 kids."  Can't say that's not true.

I don't think I've sweat so much since I stopped going to the gym (which means, really, this could be a good thing).  We didn't get home until about 10:30.  I helped feed kids, chaperone kids, move instruments, RUN instruments, give potty breaks (that's a lot of potty breaks, I tell you), act as a bouncer, etc.  There's a LOT to be done.  But it's amazing.  It's wonderful.  And the parents who can take that kind of time to volunteer, that's totally frackin' awesome.  Because it's not just mommies, it's daddies too. Building, fabricating, moving instruments, feeding and herding.  Sometimes altering and mending.  And my daughter's daddy is really cool, because he's got a CDL with a commercial endorsement, which means he's a daddy that can drive the 16 wheelers.

So, this year is going to be full of pictures (which means, if you get to know me, you might see them on facebook) and busy as all heck.  Being home to do it all too is going to be awesome.

(And by the way.....we won 47-7.....it was a great first game, for the band AND for the football team.)

echoes through time

People are like, "Let the past go - there's nothing you can do to change it anyway."

But frankly, there's some things in the past that just thinking about them, really damn well pisses me off.

I talk with all of my 'ex's.  Fortunately for me, not only to I have an understanding husband, I dated some really awesome guys.  However, no matter how carefully two people try to deal with a breakup, shit can happen.

One of the big things that pisses me off is that people I want to reconnect with from my past get some really messed-up, jaded views.  Let me give you the story.

A friend that I stopped talking to a while ago had a husband who was a complete asshole.  In fact, he was such an asshole in high school that I actually told him to his face, I didn't like him, he was a liar and a jerk, and I didn't want him to hang out around me or any of my friends.  So, of course, the next day, the POS person had their head in my friend's lap at lunch (just to spite me).

Well, over the years, he knocks her up, lies to his parents that he's married during this process, and finally marries the girl.  Which he physically, sexually, and verbally abuses for years.  I tried to convince her for years to leave this complete fuckface, but she doesn't.  Let's not mention that she has MORE kids by them, three kids, who get to listen to all the violence and see just how well a woman should be treated through their role model parents (one girl, two boys).

Just to give you an idea of how great this guy is, when their tax return came one year, he decided it was much more important for him to get a brand new, top-of-the-line computer than it was for his children to have beds (three children slept in one full sized bed).  One year in particular, where she left him for a few months, she lived with me.  When he wanted to get a vehicle and the money came, I asked him to get an automatic so I could teach his wife (21 at the time) how to drive.  I even suggested a place where he could get one fairly cheap that seemed to be in great condition.  The next day, he went out and bought a standard from the same place I suggested, a standard which cost more money than the automatic did.

I think you're getting the gist.

Well, when I was younger and crazier, I told the guy I was seeing I wanted to see other people (never goes well), and then I started dating someone else.  So, being my ex lived near this couple, this guy starts fabricating all these lies about how I ran around on him and cheated on him towards the end of our relationship (I guess because he's a cheating piece of shit, he has to pawn off his less desirable attributes onto other people).

Now, I think I can say with confidence that anyone who really knows me also knows I'm not built that way.  I think that I am a fairly decent person, and something like that would mar my integrity and my honor, two things I work really hard at.  But for the first few years of my marriage, here was this twatwaffle (new learned word), perched on my ex's shoulder, talking shit about me.

So...after a decade of hurt, anger, and loss, he contacts me.  I start talking to him, and he asks me about it. I tell him the same thing.  Basically in a nutshell, I never cheated and really, you need to consider your source.  And if you believe me capable of those kinds of things, maybe you never really knew me.  And I think at that point, he got it, but frankly, 10 years worth of stomping around, hate-filled and angry, that takes its toll on anyone. (But shush!  We're not talking about me, we talking about my ex...)

By and by, I think that things are 'okay' with my ex.  He doesn't want to shoot my husband in a dark alley anymore (that I know about) and will call me just to talk from time to time.  But...I think about it, and I get angry because I can't imagine all the damage it's done behind the scenes.  I think there were a lot of 'our' friends that 'sided with him' because they thought I was this evil, twisted ex in the relationship, when it wasn't that way at all.  Which, I don't really blame them for wanting to look out for my ex, he is a damn good guy....we just really did not see eye-to-eye at that point.  Closer to I don't think he could see things from my vantage point, and at that point, I had to move onward.  And when I moved into a more serious aspect of a relationship, I basically got whisked away, so where I would normally run around and put fires out and make adjustments, I physically moved away.

Maybe I lost a lot of friends during that time.  Maybe I didn't have a lot to begin with.  I know that I can't please everyone all the time by everything I do, and I don't expect to.  I know it shouldn't bother me, what other people think, but the reason I don't talk to my friend anymore is because of that worthless, pathetic excuse for a person - No, he will never change, I won't ever think better of him, and if he were to drop dead tomorrow, I still would believe it would make the world a better place for not having him in it.  But I suppose if they were really my friends...they'd have come to me and talked to me and asked me.....Who knows why people believe rumors?

That being said, he can continue to hate me till the end of days (because he does.  I've never actually done anything bad to him, but I call him out when he lies, which he hates, and I have encouraged his wife to leave him, which she has three times, including that once on my suggestion......which can tell you a lot about him, it's not just me.....because he's just a lying, cheating bastard....).  It doesn't change the person I am, just as he has never seemed to change.