around the corner

Yes, Halloween is just around the corner.  So, to have other holidays off, I give up Samhain for a while.  We pick and choose what we can live with.

But with that kind of spiritual and superstitious stigma that is attached to that particular time of year, tons of ghost-hunting reality shows, documentaries, and horror movies come out to heighten our tensions and awareness, giving us the Quickening of the heart, the things which have driven us to survive.

One of the worst words in the world is 'supernatural'.  I hate that word.  To me, calling something supernatural is to attach to it something that gives it a means beyond the natural order of things.  I have to disagree with it entirely.  If these things happen in which we cannot explain, it does not mean it is beyond nature, just at the moment perhaps beyond our ability to explain it.  I think that people who are quickly dismissive or try to over-analyze (oh, the lighting on the film is radio signals from a tower, electrical discharge from remote power lines, etc.) with far-fetching rationalization.

Oh well.  Whatever you believe, start sharpening your senses.  That mystical time of year is sneaking up.

No word for that.

Sometimes it takes a miscommunication to become a sharp rock in my shoe, reminding me just exactly how wide the cultural gap is between my mother and I.  Often times, there are words in the English language that do not exsist in her native tongue, and well, she has a hard time understanding what I do sometimes.  In my bright idea to try and communicate to my mother about what it is that I do.....I happened upon a magnet on my fridge at about the same time my mother was crossing in front of it.  The conversation went something like this.

"Hey, mom.  You know how we've been talking about the ...uh, weird things that I do."

Four foot asian woman: "Hmm."

"Well, see this magnet?  See the lady in the black?  What is she called in Thai?"

"Who'n," she answers promptly in her sing-song language.  Emphasis on the H, o is drawn out, and drawls into an N.

"Cool.  Okay.  What about the lady in pink."

My mom blinks.  "What is she?"

"Well, she does the same stuff the lady in the black does, but she does GOOD stuff..."

"There's not a word for that."

Damn.  Fail.

Roles

I think I pissed off one of my sister's friends.

That's not to say that I don't piss a lot of people off daily, it's just that really, the last thing I want to do is get into any type of tussle with my sister's friends.  She wouldn't really like that.  She was a peacemaker.

But the problem with being a wordsmith is that sometimes, you create fine works of art, and other times, people are like, "WTF is that?"  Guess I had a moment which involved the latter.  Someone thought I was dissing their mother.

Now, really, I am mostly beyond that kind of grade school childishness (not totally...I mean, I think that there's at least a person or two who I'd probably tell the officer my foot slipped and I hit the gas instead of the break when I saw them crossing the road), but the mention of the person was moot.  I was referring to the obstacle and trying to emphasize the way my sister overcame it.  The obstacle happened to be a person.

Now, I wasn't disparaging, all I did was state what I believed to be fact.  Hell, what my sister told me was fact.  But after some talking, I think we got this stuff straightened out.

But the long and short of it is that in life, sometimes we are Teachers.  Sometimes we are Students, and sometimes, unfortunately, we are the Cat's Paw of Fate and just an incident in the long strings of A Really Bad Day.

SO...that being said, try not to hold grudges.  Both the good AND the bad make us who we are.

Changling

The gist of the stories regarding changlings is that children are stolen away by the faeries and replaced with faerie creatures which look like the children, but really are nothing like the children at all.

Some days, I really feel that way.

It's been over three months since my stepbrother and sister passed away and I really have written much of anything.  It's not from lack of desire, but there are some things I don't think people can ever really find the words for.  And until then, as I spend time with my mother, my sister's smiling face beams at me from various pictures throughout the house.

I am finally reunited with my family after four months of solitude.  I find great comfort in them.  My family is my husband and two children, but our unit now includes my best friend (to my delight, deciding to return to our old stomping grounds with me) and my mother (who, after five years of taking care of my terminal sister, decided she did not want to live alone).  It's a little crowded, but I think that everything will work itself out.

Over the course of time, it has been rough.  For one reason or another, I've chosen to stop talking to 'friends' of mine.  I think that I finally just come to the realization that in my friendships, I give too easily and too much - I worry too much and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I got to the point where I'm just tired of getting stepped on, stomped on, lied to and treated like I'm stupid.  So.....I think that my focus is now just going to be on my family.  So if you feel a little neglected, can't help that much - just know that I'm trying to do what's best for me.

After the insurance change, I've had some other complications arise.  I have an appointment with a new surgeon tomorrow, and we'll see what's going on there.  I'm scared, but then again, why shouldn't I be?  I'd rather pick and choose what I'm going to have my complications in old age from as opposed to have them just happen to me.  But we'll see.  I still have time to make the decisions.

Out of my mind.....Will I return? I guess I can keep you posted.

Yeah, I haven't been posting.  But that's all right, my blog always seriously lacked consistancy in posting.
I've just gone through a lot of hell in the past few months.  Don't take it personal.

It's funny, because I believe in divinity, I believe in what logical people refer to as 'meaningful coincidence'.  Which is to say that they believe something happens 'coincidentally', and the human mind has to rationalize it to have meaning in order to accept it.

That's kind of stupid.  Doesn't something have to MEAN something to understand it?

In any case, those who believe in a higher power, be it God, or Divine Providence, or what have you, generally believe things happen for a reason beyond what we may be able to see or comprehend at the time.

Me?  Yup, I am a believer.  I've had too many experiences NOT to believe in something working beyond my understanding. 

Anyway, today I went to go fill some perscriptions because I saw the doc.  I told him I wanted to be taken off of the medication he put me on, because I did not like the way it was emotionally numbing.  So after I pick up the prescription, I realize that I didn't get 2-30 day bottles.  I got 3-30 day bottles of one kind, another lesser dose 30 day bottle, and one 30 day bottle of the second he has me on.

Okay, maybe the universe is telling me to stay on the meds.

But the thing of it is that I know that it has radically altered my personality.  And my intuition.  I can't describe it too much here, but the people that know me, some of them worry.  And the ones that don't, I suppose maybe to them, I was kind of weird anyway.

Problem is that beyond the medication, and even with it, I just have this overwhelming feeling of being lost.  This is kind of taking it's toll on my boss at the moment, because frankly, I forget a LOT of things.  I don't think it's sleep deprivation anymore.  That was kind of fixed with one of the scripts.  And my lack of memory went on before everything went down.  But right now, I'm a total scatterbrain all the time.  And I can't seem to begin to pull myself back together.  I gather one pile of rags, and then I've dropped another pile somewhere else.  And that's all I am.  A pile of rags, split at the seams, just kind of muddling along.  I can't seem to talk about anything that's happened.  It takes a great amount of self-control and effort for words to come out, when they come out at all.  The meds have helped some, but it is still choking.

And in the effort to try an wean me off these meds, I only took half today.  Which made me effectively a basket case.  Maybe I wasn't ready.  Maybe I've just pushed myself too long too hard.  Makes me think of the link, love.  "Never not broken."  I've always felt that way.  Never not broken.  But somehow, in the pile of shatters, I'd like to be in peace, even in pieces.

I have no idea where I would be without my husband at this time.  It's amazing.  I got to fall in love all over again.  Twice.  This year.  With him.  How many people get to say that?  How many people get to say that at all?  How many people ever fall in love and have that love totally reciprocated?  I am amazingly blessed and fortunate.  A lot of bad shit has happened this year, and where my friends could find no perch in my insanity or awkwardness, my husband sheltered me.  Where people I called my friends looked at my meltdown in disgust at my lack of self-control, my husband still stood patiently, waiting for me to run myself out like a wounded deer, then gathered me up and carried me.  And even in my most vulnerable places, where some stood like vultures before me, even when only the thoughts of him could strengthen me as we stay this time apart, stregthen me they did.  He is an amazing man.

Even in this new job....the same type of job I had before, I realize now that I just really don't care.  Maybe it IS just me that is the problem.  And you know what they say...

...if you don't like where you are, it's time to move on.

I think I will like where I'm living.  I think it's time to do something different for a living.  Because I work to live, I don't live to work.

So if you read this, think of me.  Light a candle of hope.  If you have anger at me, let my pain quiet your anger.  Because surely, I suffer.  Right now it would just be nice to have a little peace and quiet.  Even in pieces.

No Reprise....

April was a helluva month.

I quit one job to get another.  Both decent paying jobs, and jobs which were seven hours apart in distance.  I moved from where I was living back to my hometown, shacked up with my mother and sister (who had terminal cancer and was on house hospice), and settled in to await the arrival of my family so we could start our lives over again in our old stomping grounds.

How does the saying go?  The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men?

So, the last week of work was SUPPOSED to be an easy week.  I won't go into the gory details, but my stepbrother (who I grew up with, who might as well have been blood), was in a horrible accident and died in the first month of April.  Holy shit, Batman.  Trust me, it wasn't something any family should go through.

So I'm kinda shakey, get back to my hometown, and my sister gets really, really sick.  She goes into the hospice and eight days later, she passes quietly after almost six years fighting cancer.

What the hell?

So somehow, in less than a month, I go from being a middle kid to an only child.  I can't even begin to tell you how I feel about it.  And I certainly won't say much here.  But right now, it has come to the point that no matter how good a job I landed, well, I am living day-to-day.  I think those guys were kind of scared that I would just up and quit....but really, there were several reasons we came home.  At the top of the list was me spending time with my sister before she passed.  But really, I'm still in shock.  PTSD, I suppose.  I expected that I would have more time with her, to spend with her and be around her.  Again, intent and outcome rarely coincide, and now I am dealing with a double-loss of loved ones.

I don't question my mortality.  Someday, every one of us is going to die.  It's just part of nature.  What I have a hard time wrapping my brain around is the fact that on September 17th, there's not going to be any phone calls to make.  The fact that on my birthday, the only blood that's going to wind up calling me is probably my dad and my mom (maybe my redhead).  I can't imagine the holidays without my sister, who still in her absence in my life, called and sent things. Texted.  And now I'm posting messages on someone's 'wall' that will never get read, writing letters that will never be heard.  I've got artwork or pictures of artwork that will never be explained, their meanings.

I think the harder part is trying to figure out what to do with, ah, my sister.  Who wanted to be cremated.  The poor dear, the further along she went, the more the morphine muddled her mind, so often times she changed exactly what she wanted done with her remains.

One of the things she mentioned was being poured into the Guadalupe at the Riverwalk in San Antonio.

Now, let's think about this.  I don't know how many of you people have ever had to deal with remains, but the first problem is that there are BITS.  Now, you probably really don't want to go poking around in the bits, being that they're probably bone or tooth.  However, when you are releasing remains, you have to consider that wherever you're 'setting someone free', if it's on land, there's a high probability of not everything just melding into the scene of wherever you're wanting to pour them out.  BITS, I say.

Second problem - cremation means people have been cooked to the hundredth degree to be reduced to ash.  Guess what?  Ash floats.  Which means that if you're pouring someone into a body of water, don't think everything is just going to sink and be hunky-dory-peachy-keen.  Your beloved is going to coat the entire surface of whatever water you pour them in, and if you're lucky, the water is rushing and will wash them mostly out of sight.

Third problem - I don't have a criminal record.  I would HATE to have that status change because I've dumped a body in the Riverwalk waterway.  Call me paranoid.  I can just see that exchange.

Officer - "Ma'am, you just pour something into the river?"

Me - "Um, no?"

Officer - "Ma'am, the container is in your hands.  What did you pour into the river?"

Me - "Uh, a body?"

Officer - "A body?"

Me - "Well, yes."

Officer - "........."

Me - "You see, it was my sister's final wish....she used to live in San Antonio...."

Officer - "Ma'am....I think you're going to have to come with me.  Would you place your hands behind your back please?"

Yeah, that would be my luck.  SO.....I will pick my sister up Wednesday and put her on a shelf until I figure out exactly what to do with her.  Don't get me wrong, I'm writing about it, but it's not really something I am thinking about lightly.  I don't want to mail her to anyone to dump, because I can't imagine trying to explain the postage, and NOT explaining it would probably land me in jail or something ("Ma'am....a cadaver dog scented on your box.....could we ask you what is inside?"), and frankly, I just want something more personal.

So....short of trying to creep through the little Riverwalk valley at four AM during a weekday, I'm actually working on that problem on top of the pile of paperwork left behind.  Apparently my sister thoughtfully told my mother I was able to take care of it all.  What she didn't leave was concise instruction, so some of this I'm just winging.  I've never had to wrap up anyone's final wishes, so we'll see what happens.

Until then, no matter how flaky I sound, I really love my sister.  And I really miss her. 

Moving Along.....

My trip from Abilene to Houston was pretty restless.  I was in Houston already in mind, but still straggling along behind in Abilene.  I made friends there.  I lost friends there.  I was elevated in some areas of my light and torn down in others.  It was the closing of the chapter, and unfortunately, I feel like some of those characters will choose not to appear anywhere further down the story.  As they choose, I suppose.

But the journey to Houston was not without event.  I started GeoCaching again, so I've had some quiet time to myself.  It's fun with the kids join and it's a family affair....but other times, it's just you and a message in a bottle, so to speak.  I've got a travel tag I need to drop.

Change is inevitable.  Change is good.  Sometimes it hits us on so many levels, it's hard to process.  I realize that through all this, the infighting and the tragedy of  recent, that there is much of me that has become a changed person.  Maybe good, maybe bad, but changed nonetheless.  I did not so much come to conclusions about other people and their behaviors, but my own, my own thoughts and responses.  What I would endure and what was beyond my enduring.  It was both disheartening and inspiring at the same time.

I will swear that before my sister declared she was going on Hospice and before my brother died, the three days leading to the event, I was not the normal laid-back person I have a tendency to be.  I was psychotic, easily wounded, and lashing out over imagined slights.  I really think that I had an emotional meltdown.  The first one was on the first friend I made when I came to Abilene.  The whole response to that event was basically, "You're horrible.  Grow up.  Get a life.  Shame on you. WE are behaving like civilized adults, you're just too stupid and petty to do that.  So get over yourself.  Our opinions are educated and perfect."  That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

What they didn't realize was that within a few days of not talking, all that emotional tornado, my father calls me and lets me know my sister is going on house hospice.

The second event, which is about a month, almost 2 from it, is that in a horrible accident, my father had to shoot my schizophrenic brother during a violent episode.  I won't go into too much of that here, save that it was self defense.  However, days before, I'd been thinking about my brother.  I had a blowout with my live-in best friend, so instead of being ugly, I went to my room.  Three days later, as I am actually making something for my brother (carebear pillow cases...he loved care bears....), he is shot, the wound so bad that it was fatal to him.  It was bizarre because I brought the pillow cases, having just finished them, with me up to the ER.

SO.......I can admit that I acted an ass.  I don't care how logical a person is, I would tell them I don't believe in coincidence. So if I acted badly, I'd apologize for some of it.  Some.

But....I had an epiphany over the whole ordeal.  My thought was this.....as a person acting out of character, especially someone who's supposed to be a beloved friend, like family, how do you just thumb your nose at their behavior and roll on?  Generally, when shit is weird and going on with a friend, I try to find out what's going on so I can be there for my friend.  I figure that's what the best of friends do.  Why suddenly was I booted because I did not behave in a way that was endearing 24-7.

It makes me think of a wise redhead.  "If you can't take me at my/ worst, you don't deserve me at my best."  I think I'll take that route.

And onto the new life in Houston.