running in circles

I swear, I've posted it before and again.

What I write is of the moment, pay it no mind.

You have to realize that there are a lot of things which swirl inside my head, just like emotions.  When I write, I write what I feel of that moment, in that space of time.

Sometimes people get offended by these things.  How I could put them to words.  But the fact of the matter is, I can admit to thinking them, regardless of those that would think and not do.  Which is to say, I can put a voice to my mind, even if sometimes it just kind of prattles on.

Doesn't make sense?  Doesn't have to.  The fact that I can say it aloud or write it for the world to see makes all the difference in the world.

I can get sad, pissed off, or upset at whatever.  And in the same instance, happy, blissful and content.  Doesn't matter.  The words translate the experience into being, but like any other experience, they effect the here and now.  Writing is what colours our images of the past, shapes how we communicate at present, and leaves a trail for people to follow in the future.

Even the smallest words matter, even if you don't mean them.  Or if you do.  It's all in perspective.



The thing I really like about epiphanies is that they kind of come out of nowhere and broadside you out of nowhere.

A wise friend said to me, "...treating friends like friends and not enemies is a good boundary to respect."

I really started thinking about this line, then thought, "What the hell am I doing?"

I think a really good red flag in these words is ENEMY.  I mean, who would treat their friend like an enemy?  Dictionary.com defines ENEMY (the first definition, by the way):


a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

Holy crap.  Them's some strong words.  But you think about this, anyone you argue with, or rage against, that kind of fits the definition of it, doesn't it?

Why the hell would anyone treat a friend like an enemy?

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function." - F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)

Heh.  Does that mean that smart people can disagree and still remain friends? (Yup, I've been kind of a fortune cookie lately, posting a LOT of quotes...)

Sounds like I'm kinda dumb, then.  But to try and cheer myself up (please pay no attention to that background noise, it's the fading sound of a pity party being thrown in someone's closet), I'm hoping I'm not a total moron.  Now it's just trying to figure out what kind of boundaries I need, what kind of boundaries they need, and where to meet in the middle.  How to give and take.  And that's what any relationship is, really.  Meeting in the middle.  Because being friends is more than just a jovial wave and a shared drink.  It's more than just a intellectual conversation.

To what lengths would you go for a friend?  Would you drive in the middle of the night to rescue someone?  Would you bail them out of jail?  If they screwed up things in their lives, would you wait around for them to straighten out or would you walk away?

If they had to walk through Hell, would you stand beside them, shoulder their burden, or carry them through it?

What is a true friend worth?


the plant

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. "                                                                                                           - (Charles M. Shulz - 1922-2000)

There's just a lot of people who have thought I behave as if every action that I made was the most correct action possible at the time.

They'd probably be about half right.

I don't think that a lot of what gets executed by me is planned, proper, and within whatever astringent guidelines people seem to have.

Generally, it's a decision that got made by the spur of the moment and I'm hanging on to the seat of my pants.

Or plants.

Take the marble ivy. A hardy plant you can grow in the office or in your home. If you had a small one, and a large planter, and gave it half a gallon of water every day you saw it, which was every day, then it would grow. If you had enough thoughtfulness to throw some fertilizers in there, it would grow quiet a bit from just a few little roots. It will come out of it's home, hang out, and begin to work its way into your walls. And as you water it daily and watch it, with its yellow-green and darkly green marbling, it looks like a healthy plant that is now threatening to crack your sheet rock. You probably don't care if you have this plant this large and indoors, because it's kind of pretty.

SO....what would happen if you suddenly stopped watering it? Or threw on it half a cup every few days, as opposed to watering it half a gallon, every day like it's used to?

The first thing I imagine it would do is droop. Droop and look sickly. And unless you give it more water, it will have this crazy-assed limp look about it, listless. Yep, all the roommates walk past it. Their guests too. No one waters it because it's really YOUR plant. You just don't really have the time. Or water on hand.

Eventually the thing just kind of shrivels up and becomes crunchy.

Maybe I'm stupid, but I feel like a friendship got that way and as the plant, I'd rather just toss myself out instead of linger, browning on the table.


no vancancy

I think that was a snap-back to reality phrase.

Apparently I have been pulled up short because someone was 'renting too much room in my head."  Can't say that never happens, but it happens in times that aren't really fortunate for me.  Sometimes when things get rough, well, they only get rougher because things have a tendency to plummet beyond reach.  I'm learning to just let go of some things, but others, it's just too bad a habit.

I think I realize several things.  Regardless as to whether or not they are, the entirety of thoughts are irrelevant.They were thoughts that can be applied and have more than likely been made manifest, however unwittingly people would try to deny or salvage them.  Peoples actions are what they are, and sometimes they do good, and sometimes they do bad.  And the hell with anyone that wants to take a fine microscope to any of it.  Even me.

I have a lot of thoughts as to why it came to this kind of end.  Some that will be vehemently denied, and probably other accusations flung for deflection.  But I know where I was when this journey started, I know where I was through it, and I know where I was at the end of it.  If no one else listens, I don't suppose it matters.  Just another tale in my bardic book of tales, one that will reach the carefully penned but less spoken chapters.  Half of my adventures in the country will be sealed away to darkness, not because I am ashamed to speak of them, only because they make me terribly sad.  There are some songs I have a hard time listening to in reminder.


actively making a difference

My eldest daughter has a facebook.  It's okay, she's allowed.  I frequently check it, constantly ask her about 'friends' on it, and harass her to the point of eyerolling.

Which, of course, is my parently duty.

But one of the recent topics of conversation, in line with our move, is there used to be this guy she liked at the old town.  She doesn't really 'talk' to him like that anymore, and she's been at the new school half a year.  One of our conversations kinda of went like this.

"So....are you...'going out' with anyone?"

"Mom...." She smirks.

"What's his name?"

"Nobody." She smiles.

"Okay, HER name?"


The little one pipes in, "Her?" and looks at her little sister curiously.

"Yeah, mom asks me HIM or HER.  She says she doesn't care and she'll love us the same."  She rolls her eyes, smiles, and the conversation continues.

And when I say it, I mean it exactly.  I want to be able to show that kind of love and support to my kids.  I want them to be strong in their choices, both on the field of emotions and academia. I want them to be strong women and like whatever they want to like, do whatever they want to do, and grow up with integrity and compassion.  I want them to be happy, emotionally strong and comfortable in their own skins.  I can't say what I'm doing is right and true, but it's the best I know how for now.

But this kind of attitude, this kind of thinking, I believe it starts with the parents.  How accepting are you?  What kind of standard do you set?


Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out...

I cannot express how thankful and relieving it is that 2011 is gone.  I think it has been the most stressful year of my life, with growing pains and hard losses.  In less than a year, I've changed my life a great deal.  I've switched jobs, moved to another city, lost both of my nest mates, and am now overshadowed as the bread winner in my household.

It's been a long, bumpy road.

Most people have started a few weeks ago getting new year's resolutions.  I think I started when I turned in my two week's notice.  Of changes in themselves, around them.  I think part of it is reminding ourselves about what changes we wish to make, and reminding ourselves of our chosen path, so we can focus on moving towards our goals.

SO....here's to changes, to moving forward and to growth and joy.